All this time I thought intentionality had to be rigid. Schedules, routines, habits, patterns that you lock into your life. I’ve tried time and time again to bring rigidity into my day-to-day, thinking that if I just get the right patterns going I would solve all my life’s problems: eating healthy and exercising, maintaining regular work hours while self-employed, social life, self-care, hobbies, all the random adult responsibilities, etc etc.

Time and time again I’ve mapped out my week, blocked in my hours, and leapt into a new week eager to prove that I’d finally cracked the code.

Time and time again, I’ve fallen back to survival mode. Taking it day by day continues to be the baseline.

It’s not just with work, either. I’ve struggled to apply intentionality to everything. How do I approach dating if I’m looking for a husband? What does healthy eating look like for me? How do I balance personal growth with my ever-growing but limited capacity to DO?

As I’ve endeavored in applying intentionality to learning how to be intentional, I’ve learned a few things.

I’ll give you the scariest one first:

Joy is meant to be had in the NOW.

Not tomorrow. Not when all the chores are done. Not after I get off work. There is joy to be had in the future, but it’s no more real than the joy we can have here and now. If anything, that future joy is less real. We don’t have to be good enough. We don’t have to get enough done. We don’t have to have the circumstances or material things or external factors that we want. We are worthy of joy here and now, and it’s possible to attain at any given time. And, speaking from experience, I do mean ANY.

You can swap out the word ‘joy’ for ‘love’ there, by the way.

I’m well aware how impossible this concept can feel, how absolutely unattainable it can seem. How I attain joy and what it really means for me may need to be its own post. For now, hopefully the rest of this entry will help at least a little.

Second:

Contingencies are venomous. Grace is enabling.

I want so badly to be on top of everything. I want a different day job and a greater source of income, I want to be debt-free, I want to play a significantly greater role in my kids’ lives as a divorced mom, I want to publish so many more books, I want a husband so it’ll be easier to attain all these things. I could go on and on forever. For a very long time, I told myself that every single one of these were needs. I NEED these things in order to be happy, in order to feel successful, in order to not be ashamed, and in order for others to look at me and not cast shame upon me.

In each instance, that very message is what drove the shame. Shame led to avoidance. Avoidance led to stagnancy. And stagnancy equals hell. I have known so many forms of hell.

I had to learn to let go of outcomes in order to quell my anxieties and find joy in the now. This applies across every aspect of life. As someone who has both relationship trauma and attachment issues (are they ever separate?), I’ve had to remind myself when starting to date someone new that “Either he’s caring for me as best as he can right this second, or there is someone out there who will treat me better.” When only further time and trust can procure outcomes, that mantra has helped me self-soothe and regain my sense of identity in the moment. I’m not locked into eternal consequences. The same goes for work, for raising children, for debt, etc. Sometimes the struggles involved might feel eternal. They’re not. Life will carry on. Even when there are consequences we’d hoped to avoid, those, too, cannot affect our soul more than we let them. Our souls are the only thing guaranteed to persist through it all, and we have the power within us to grow them instead of shrink them. Nothing else can do that for us.

Third:

Learning who I am as well as who I want to be is one of the greatest uses of my time.

Applying joy to dating has been confusing and painful. I’m fairly certain I know exactly what traits I want in my future husband. I thought I knew years ago, though, too, and those qualifications would have left a lot lacking. There have been times I’ve felt that there’s no one out there for me, or (as a distinctly separate concept) that the man I’m looking for couldn’t possibly exist. The times I’ve perused dating apps thinking I’ll recognize the man I’m hoping to find through the words and pictures on his profile, I’ve swiped left on everyone within radius until there was no one left. I’ve done the same thing while job hunting, knowing only what I think might be best for me and finding nothing that feels ‘right’.

These processes have left me feeling drained, directionless, and insignificant in my lack of ability to find a right fit.

As of the last few weeks, I’ve drastically changed my approach.

As for job hunting, well, I’ve given up. I believe in God and I believe what God has told me, so for now, I’ve accepted that there are reasons things are the way they are right now and for now that’s enough. There will be actions to take in time, but using the time I have to focus on growth in the ways that I am IS the right thing to do, and it is enough.

In regards to dating, I’ve stopped focusing on finding a man who has everything I’m looking for. In fact, I’ve stopped focusing on finding a relationship at all. I realized that being single and on dating apps gives me a unique opportunity to talk to all kinds of men in all phases of life–one I wouldn’t so readily find if I were in a committed monogamous relationship. Since my focus in life in general is spiritual and emotional growth, I’ve taken that to dating apps and emphasized in my profile that I want to hear about others’ beliefs and see the world through their eyes. In this way I meet a lot more men who are eager to open up and share their world views, and it’s been fascinating. I feel more connected to people and Truth in general, and I’m learning to see more beauty and wisdom in the world.

This has made it easier to approach dating as a way to learn who I am–not just to see my thoughts and feelings as exposed to someone else, but to see the complexity in others and in turn see that reflected in myself in ways I hadn’t noticed.

It’s also helping me to reaffirm or learn what I do and don’t want in a long-term partner, and what I have to offer and want to learn to offer.

I’ve found the same is true in my relationships with my children and in the freedom my current line of work provides me. I have so many opportunities to connect, to love, to learn to love better, and to grow overall.

This has led to one of my greatest reminders:

Stagnancy only equals hell when it’s an internal state of being.

I felt so stuck for so long regarding career, debt, relationship status, etc. But when it comes down to it? Stagnancy in external circumstances is irrelevant unless we make it our identity.

It doesn’t have to be our identity.

In fact, stagnancy in our external circumstances can be one of the most powerful opportunities for growth and change. When we can get into a rhythm with the day-to-day aspects of our lives and accept that some things are temporary (even if we hate them), we can allow ourselves more mental effort and creativity regarding our inner selves. If we’re willing to take full advantage of this opportunity, we’ll be more capable of handling whatever life throws at us next.

What this means about rigidity versus intentionality?

I’d learned to operate off of logic. Now I’m learning to incorporate emotions and spirituality. I’m tending to the things that will provide greater peace of mind in the future, and I’m basing what those are on how I feel and the difference between what I know I need to do and where it is I want to be. I’m using the time I have now in the ways that are most feasible for me, given the responsibilities and opportunities I do have.

Every day looks different. Every week looks different. And at the end of it all, none of it looks like what I’d expected. Even when I have fallbacks or lose time and emotional energy to small disasters or emergencies, though, I consistently find myself proud of myself for my accomplishments and grateful for the opportunities I had. My capacities and my understanding of myself are growing, and I feel stronger and more compassionate for it all.

There is very little structure to my life right now. Only obligations, goals, and my willingness to distinguish between the two. There is progress–far more than I’d dreamed of when slaving away to my own fear. And there is joy. I’m very far from where I’d like to be, and yet I am so very happy to be right where I am, knowing this won’t last forever. For everything going on in the world, I am doing wonderful things with what I do have control over, that being only myself. The life I want is not an end goal. It is right now. That’s all it really ever can be. If you reach the end and only then can think, “By golly, I finally made it” (I know, you probably don’t talk like that, but don’t judge me for being a weirdo), you’ve lost out on every moment in between.